Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
