shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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