now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
