I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
