How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
