i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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