god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
