Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
