i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
