I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
