drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Vodka?
Forever.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
