the condom got lost in my hair
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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