I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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