I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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