I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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