So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
