I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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