2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
my poor anus
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
