Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
worst night to have a conscience
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
