Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
