I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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