Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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