hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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