I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
