the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
