Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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