my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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