Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
