Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
