dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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