you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
