He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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