your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
this is an emotional support booty call
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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