The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
