I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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