Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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