Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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