I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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