Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
