the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
