i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Did I show you my penis last night?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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