You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize