you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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