Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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