My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
