Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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