it was like eating out sand paper
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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