i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
