my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
