I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
