he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just found a bag of teeth...
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
