Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
