Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
