Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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