i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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